The Most Epic Blowout of All Time!

Diaper blow-out, that is!

Every year I start planning my holiday shopping over the summer so I can start buying and making gifts in September. Every year I promise myself I’ll be prepared far in advance. Every year I’m running around on Christmas Eve for several gifts I’m still missing.

At least I’m consistent.

When my son was a baby, I was running these Christmas errands with him in tow – or with him strapped to me, actually, in a baby carrier. I HATE last-minute Christmas shopping with a passion only eclipsed by my love of everything else about Christmas, so I was in an impatient mood even before I had to deal with all the other stressed-out last-minute shoppers and horrendously long lines.

While we were in one particularly long line attempting to purchase a coat for my sister (a coat that didn’t even end up being the right size come Christmas morning), I heard my son poop. Ugh. Perfect. We’re in a huge line nowhere near a restroom.

I headed for the closest department store, where I knew they had restroom. A crowded restroom, but one with a changing table nonetheless.

As soon as I unbuckled the carrier to remove my son, I was faced with the reality of exactly what happens when your child has a huge poop while held snug in a baby carrier. The poop has nowhere to go but up and out, and the trajectory this poop had taken was particularly impressive. It was everywhere!!! Not only was my poor child covered in poop up to his little armpits – the carrier was a gunky mess as well. And the only thing in my diaper bag was a diaper.

Let me repeat: alI I had was a diaper.

Moms are survivalists. We make do with what we have. So I scrubbed my now confused and somewhat irritable child down and put him in the clean diaper. I managed to quickly reorganize my bags of purchases to consolidate them into as few items to carry as possible (since I now had to carry my baby in my arms) and even freed up a bag for all of our poopy items! Success!

But then I was left with a near-naked baby in the middle of the shoping mall on a winger night, looking like an epically awesome mother, I’m sure. I’ve had people stop me in July to ask why my baby isn’t wearing socks! (Who wears socks in July? This is California, people!) Surely I wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom door before hearing comments!

Fortubately we were in a department store so I rushed up to the children’s department trying to look like the most competent mother I could (which is surprisingly difficult when carrying a clothing-less baby through a packed store on Christmas Eve). This is when talking to baby repetitively (and loudly, so that everyone can hear you) comes in handy, “I can’t believe you pooped on ALL your clothes and this is the ONE TIME mommy has EVER forgotten a spare outfit, you silly baby…” Yet, even the cashier gave me a sideways glance and asked, “Isn’t your baby cold?” Why, yes. He probably is, so just shut up and sell me this outfit already!!

After we had purchased the new outfit, we hid out in the shoe department and I dressed him. Clean at last. Time to go home and ask dad to do the laundry because I didn’t even know where to begin!

The Dad Network

4 comments

    • Oh my gosh – that was funny!!!! I can so relate to thinking WHERE IS THE NEAREST HOSE! Sometimes you just don’t know where to start with the mess!!!! I love that you stopped to take a picture in the bathroom too! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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